Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
