I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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