we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
