My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize