is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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