how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
