So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
