This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she peed on how many people?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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