i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
