I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
