guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
