I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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