What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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