i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
