I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
