Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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