I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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