she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
