I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
