Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
