I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
