i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
