I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
