There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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