hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
