im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
