An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize