it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
