By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
