Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
