I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
