I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
