Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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