Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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