all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
