I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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