I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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