oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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