the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
