Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
