Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
