1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
