watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
