Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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