Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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