I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
