why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
