what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think my moral compass just broke
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize