She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
