the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
