I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
