Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
