Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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