i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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