Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
