yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
