you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
