she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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