I need help removing her.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
