I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
