I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
